27 April 2012

I'm sorry, Anita.

Have you ever been really sad so that you feel that you even can't take a breath?
I did.
Just minutes ago.

I don't know what have done, I don't know how big the mistake I've made in previous moments was, I don't know to whom I can ask for forgiveness..
But I think it's myself. It's this girl named Anita.

So with this post,
Let me apologize, to myself.

Dear Anita,
I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable with your current life.
I'm sorry for every stupid things I've done that made you really confused and frustrated.
I'm sorry for often causing you headache.
It's because I'm just too naive, and careless.

Do you remember when you were still 13 years old, A?
You were, that black-skinned teenager, busy playing volleyball, and catching some eyesight from coward boys who had no brave to tell you their feelings.
You were really free and unburdened.

Then you grew up. You became 15, 17, 19, and now 21 years old.
You, which at that time was me also, started to make troubles.
You didn't know what you've done, A. It's just the result of your curiosity. The whole world knows that you're the girl with HUGE curiosity. So, we (the world and I am - present tense) understand that.

You were really emotional at the old times. You can't stop shouting and being mad every time you can't pass a phase. You can't control yourself. You hit everything with your ego, but not with your parents. Such a great job in that young age, baby.

Then when you started to find love on someone, yes baby that one, your first kiss..
Eventho' you kept making troubles and mind-doubting yourself, you kept going on. Biggest decision that you've ever made, I guess.
Your parents denied you and your first love, your parents got "mind-hijacked" by the bloody gossipers and their own fear, in fact you're in love with a great guy that teaches you many things, including ego-management and patience.

You love that person so much,
until finally you lost him.

That hurts, baby. I know. Don't cry.

Three and a half years won't be enough to explain of how much you love him. But no one took him from you, God did. And it's for the best. You, I mean, I -- at that time, remember so much of how it felt, and what I've learned. And how thankful I am, I mean, you are, okay, WE ARE that we learned many things from him. May he rest in truly peace. Good guy like him will get a better place, I have faith in that.

You've passed that phase. You've learned so much from him, but not with the denial.
You can't deny that in this case, a part of you can't be really friendly with your parents. Again, you have such a good "mind-training" to look fine eventho' you're not, darling. Don't put the blame on yourself, I'm the one that should be threw. But hey, look. You can be independent. Like no other girls, you can go through heart-breaking moments without even crying like a baby pig to your mother. You won't waste her time. You can only give her good stories without caring whether she should know when you were down or judged in the corner.

We know that them - the parents, ours, were never really listening, don't we? Well at least that's what happened to you, and me also, at that time.

Now you are 21 years old, going on 22.
Nothing much happened. Nothing much gained.
Yes you got a job, yes you got better salary and money, but not really with heart satisfaction.
In your workplace, you got drama. Cheap drama.
In your relationship, you got failure.
In your lifestyle, you got nicotine in your lungs.

So, here I go now.
Writing you an apology.
Without promising anything to be better.
Without the ability to change the past. Dark past.
But I'm sure, I will try to work really hard,
to get you a better future.
To make you - past tense, proud of me - present and future tense.

Once again, Anita,
I'm sorry for making you being in many troubles,
I'm sorry for making you confused, many many times,
I'm sorry for causing you loud shout and flowing tears,
I'm sorry for pushing you through silly decisions,

I was just too naive.

Once again,
I'm sorry.