09 February 2014

Well, are you?

pic source

I found this pic tonight. When I just finished watching a fucked-up movie and didn't know what else to do since I just had a cup of black coffee few hours ago with my best friends. A great time with great people, what else can you ask for? :D
When I found this pic, I stared at at for 3 seconds. Then my mind started to spin, to find the answer of this question.

"Am I who I was a year ago?"

Well, time goes unexpectedly fast. I've gone through some major things that change my life. My way of thinking, even a bit of my personality. If anyone (which I concern that no one does) asks me what I was doing at 9 February 2013 which is exactly last year, my answer will be, "I have no idea".
Maybe I was sleeping. Maybe I was writing a blogpost but it's sadly ended up in draft. Maybe I was reading a book. I seriously have no idea. But if anyone else (which I, too, concern that no one doesn't either) asks me is there anything different between present and past year? The answer is, "Yes, it is"

I learned something in 2013: to not be in hurry.

Time was ticking fast, I know. Sometimes I didn't realize that it was Friday until my bestfriends asked me to have our Friday Coffee routine. Also I, back then in 2013, was too afraid that I'd run out of time if I didn't do this and that as soon as possible. Well I did a good job, but not satisfying.
I repeat.
Not satisfying.

I accomplished few things I wanted last year, but you can't add a full closet with new goods without taking some old-fashioned stuff out of it, no? The same thing goes with my head. I gained some of good work, but I lost something precious as well: time with my loved ones.
I got not enough time to be spent with my family. My mother barely saw me coming home before 11 pm EVERY night. I got not enough energy to spare just in case I need it to stand up straight facing the world. I even got not enough respect for myself.

...so last year, I lost it. I lost myself.

My last relationship ended last year, with a great guy which I've never wrote about here. I didn't blame him for not being able to keep the relationship with me, because it's not about that. It's because I was too in hurry so I pushed myself too hard on him. I sometimes pushed myself to be "suitable" but then I ended up feeling fucked up. Our birth-date is just a day (and three years -- he's older) away. He was born at 6, while I was 7. Lovely, isn't it? That makes many similarities between us. People say it's good if you have such condition with your lover. But trust me, it's NOT as easy as that. At some point, you'll love it because you won't have to put much effort to find things that match and work well on both of you; how he tells you that he's gonna play his fave song while you're surprised because when he plays it, it's the same song you've loved for years even before you met him. And how he won't eat pickles because he thinks it's disgusting just like you always wondered why pickles still considered as food, not trash. Also how he loves to stir his coffee clockwise three times and sip it carefully, just like you ALWAYS do to yours. Yes, it was all beautiful. But there always 2 sides of a coin, right? Same thing happened. I was in love and happy and grateful, but I was naive as well. With all of those similarities, all of those-"Aww, baby, isn't that cute? It's like one brain in two different bodies!"-stuff. Well I know it sounds zombie-ish, but for me, that felt great....until you find the other side of the coin.

Everytime we fought, it was a disaster. We think the same way. We take the same steps. We shouts the same words. You wanna know how it feels? Now take a look at your reflection in a mirror, think about anything that makes you angry, and shout the words to the mirror. Your reflection will do exactly the same thing in the same time at that place. But you know what? All you do is talking to yourself.
And that's what I, no, WE did. And just like everybody (coward ones, actually) else, I eventually got tired. I know, it's not how a relationship should work. It's not what other girls do to make her boyfriend happy. But I love him and all I want is for him to be happy. So, there, I decided to step off. He didn't try to stop me either, which was good. Because he knew that the failure was there, right in front of our eyes and he wouldn't let it fall to our feet and stop us from moving. That's what love should really do, isn't it?
Well I hope it is.

I'm just trying to tell you here in this blogpost that I learned to not be in hurry anymore it previously led me to nothing but emptiness and loss. I ran too fast last year so I left many things behind me without noticing it. So, as this is the first post of 2014, I hope that I can do better as I grow up. I had failures and mistakes and disappointments that I won't do anytime anymore in the future. So I'm gonna take things simpler and easier. No more rush, no more hurry. Because eventhough I still don't know how much time and how many chances I have, but I know life's not about beating the time down.

...it's about how much you enjoy every single drop of it, by respect and love.
Because once you waste your time, you won't get it back no matter what.
Happy new year 2014, people. I hope you enjoy your life, no matter hard you think it is.