28 July 2017

A letter to an old friend

Hello, old friend.
It's been a long time.
Did you miss me? Because I missed you, so much.
I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in ages. It's because my head's been filled with things, and responsibilities.
I know it's not supposed to be an excuse, because you're always here, waiting for me to have a moment with you, just like our old days.

Old friend,
I'm no longer a girl you used to know.
I'm, obviously, older.
But I don't know whether age makes me wiser or not.

I'm still fighting, like you see.
For everyone's sake: the people I love, those who I care about.
The number's not as big as those days when you first met me, but the value is much meaningful.
Because I don't have time to think about things I'm not supposed to consider.

Old friend,
There are so many things I wanted to tell you.
But it's not like the old days that I could tell you rightaway,
I become more.....cautious.
And worried, sometimes.
That's why I kept the words in my head. Only in my head.

I'm happier now.
Of course I had my hard days, but as you always know, I'm stubborn enough to fight.
Are you proud of me? Because that's what I always been worrying about: whether I make the people I love proud of me or not.
I cried a bit on my hard days, but I know I always have the smile of a mother, the courage of a father, and the bravery of a brother that will always put me in their warmth.
You know how much I love them, old friend.
You know I'll fight for their happiness, no matter what.
That's what always put me into a whole person, over and over again.
No matter how exhausted and broken I am.

Old friend,
thank you for being a good company after all this time.
The warmth of your embrace and the peaceful silence of yours never fails to amaze me.
I'm sorry for being too busy, but it's always nice having you around.
And I know that I'll always have you,
until my last breath takes me to another place.
Thank you, Night.
You're so special to me.

Your (not so) Favorite Night Owl,
Anita

***

Just in case you people read this and wondering who am I writing to, you're not reading it wrong. It really is for the night. Yes, night time, the time when people are supposed to sleep, when the stars and moon are hanging beautifully up there. I know I'm weird, feel free to judge me however you want, but at least I'm being honest.

07 May 2017

I am not okay.
I've been exhausted.
Restless.
And hurt.

I was in my happiest days.
I thought I lived a proper life: 
Work, family, friends, and of course you.
Until that Sunday night, 
Everything I've been building, destroyed by only a single phone call. 

How dare you.
Coming into my life, to my monochrome world, 
bringing lights and colours,
then taking it all out so suddenly,
leaving me in darkness, sorrow, and despair?

I've been faithful to you,
and you left me broken into pieces.
What did I do to you, to deserve this?

I don't know who to trust anymore.
Not even myself.
Now I won't listen to Feist's "Now At Last" as the same beautiful song anymore. 

26 February 2017

First time

The first time I saw you.
I caught that pair of eyes,
which is yours,
staring at mine.

First time I saw you.
You were sitting there,
at the corner of the bar,
with your bottle of beer

First time I saw you.
I said hello,
You hello-ed me back,
And there goes the conversation,
On and on.

The first time I saw you.
I knew I wouldn't waste my first precious 5 minutes for judegement,
because, man, you're absolutely worth it.

Thanks for filling the space this whole time.

Intuisi

Saya baru bertemu seorang teman baik sore ini. Sebut saja dia Ms. Theressa.
Kami duduk berhadapan, dengan cangkir kopi masing-masing dan sebuah asbak yang setengah terisi. 
Kami bercerita tentang current issue yang sedang kami alami sekarang-sekarang ini. Dia memulai sesi dengan sebuah cerita yang agak membuat pupil mata saya memperbesar ukurannya dan rahang saya agak terbuka dengan sendirinya. Saya tidak menyangka dia akan mengalami hal sebegitu menyakitkannya. Dia bercerita sambil tertawa getir, dan saya menangis di hadapannya. Tidak membantu, memang. Namun tidak ada airmata yang jatuh dari sepasang mata indahnya. "Udah lewat nangisnya", kata dia. Saya menghapus airmata saya dan menceritakan apa yang akhir-akhir ini menambah kisah di dalam hidup saya. Tidak banyak, memang. Hanya seputar pekerjaan dan keluarga. Namun, untuk kedua kalinya, saya menangis di hadapan dia. Cengeng emang si Anita. Dengerin cerita orang nangis, menceritakan cerita sendiri ke orang pun nangis. Saya tadinya mau menyalahkan hujan yang turun dan menghadirkan mood gloomy, tapi saya malu sama isi dompet yang lebih membuat gloomy daripada hujan. Jadi, ya saya diam saja.

Kemudian saya dan Ms. Theressa melanjutkan percakapan. Topik yang kami bicarakan lebih ringan dan cenderung tolol, sebenarnya. Kami banyak menghabiskan waktu untuk tertawa-tawa bodoh diiringi hujan dan suara knalpot Kopaja. Apapun bisa jadi bahan tertawaan kami: dari gosip terkini hingga ukuran sepatu. I spent a great time with her. Hingga akhirnya saya menulis postingan ini, saya masih bisa nyengir mengingat berbagai jenis kebodohan yang kami lakukan tadi sore. Saya rasa orang tidak akan mengira jika dua perempuan di pojokan tersebut mengalami kejadian yang menguras tenaga dan pikiran di minggu sebelumnya. 

Saya dan Ms. Theressa memiliki benang merah yang kurang lebih sama dalam kehidupan kami: Kerap dihantam intuisi. 

pic source